Dating & Mating

Have a question?  Send it to Brenda at Cinderellawasaliar@gmail.com

Dear Brenda,

I am dating a new guy who has shown up late to my house three out of five times.  It’s really annoying but I like him a lot, otherwise. I told him it bothers me and he promised not to do it again but then showed up 30 minutes late the next time.  How do I get him to see that I find it disrespectful?

A. There are times in our lives when we all run behind schedule and no one should be entirely inflexible about things like a missed train or a boss that keeps you late but when something happens every-other-day, it’s not his watch, it’s his habitsHe already sees that you find it disrespectful and he’s let you know that he may care but not enough to change.  This point is underlined because it is the beginning of your relationship, a time when people are supposed to be on their “best” behavior.  If he’s doing things that make you feel disrespected this early (even after you have told him how you feel) just wait until a year from now. . Stop sitting around the house waiting for him to arrive.  If he’s not there within 5-10 minutes of when he says he will be there, don’t answer the door.

Should You Kiss on The First Date?

A. A goodnight kiss is fine but tonsil-massages in the club or on the street while hailing a cab are not exactly “call-me-back-for-dinner” gestures.

What are the three dumbest things to do on a date?

A. Not offer to pay for yourself, sleep with him and act rude/ungrateful to him and/or others such as the cab driver, bartender or waiter.

Is It OK To Send a Facebook Request To An Ex?

A.  It really depends on the nature of the relationship and the break-up and what exactly you are trying to gain by sending the request.  If you’re looking to show him how hot you are now, how amazing your life is with someone new or broke his heart and left him for dead on the side of the road while you drove off with his best friend, it’s best to stay out of his network.

How Do I Avoid Sleeping With Him on The First Date?

A.  There are a few steps a beautiful, self-respecting young woman can avoid hopping into the sack with a handsome six-pack such as; deciding not to, realizing that once she ‘gives it up’ there’s no more mystery, thinking about the fact that you don’t know his health history, etc. but the most-effective seems to be Granny Panties. 

Yes, you read that correctly.

Go out and buy the ugliest pair of knickers you can find–we’re talking full-back-cotton-with-flowers-panties or grandma-girdle-in-beige underpants and don them under your hottest first-date outfit.  Spanx is fabulous.  You’ll not only keep your clothes on but they’ll look more flattering on you.

Do I Really Need To Kiss a Lot Of Toads Before I Will Meet a Prince?

A.  No, the only thing you will get from kissing toads is a bad case of warts.  Toads are reptiles who rarely change and wasting time on some man or woman who clearly doesn’t value you for the worthy, smart, attractive, kind and generous person you are does nothing more than keep you from being free to meet someone who does.  Toss the idea that it is always better to have “someone” than “no one”.   If that “someone” is a jerk, move on.

SPEED DATING 101

I was recently interviewed by a journalism student in London and thought I would share the Q and A with you.  Be sure to share your own thoughts below!

Q1. What tips would you recommend for people to try on a speed date to create a good impression?

I think it is essential to remember that speed dating is simply an introduction and with that comes a desire to make a first good impression.  Go to the event nicely dressed and wearing a warm smile.  Greet with a handshake, maintain good eye contact (but do avoid the serial killer stare by looking away every now and then) don’t interrupt and always close by thanking each person for their time and letting them know it was nice to have the chance to get to know them.  Common courtesy is so uncommon these days that it’s become the new way to be seen as charming.
 
 Q2. How can you make yourself memorable to your date when you’ve only got 3 minutes?

Keep it light and fun and tell them something memorable about yourself.  Instead of just giving them a three-minute rundown of your stats and resume, tell them a quick funny story or mention a hobby they will remember.  Instead of saying, “Hi I am Melissa, I work in retail, have three brothers and want to have four children” say “I am Melissa, I love to go salsa dancing, cook and once met Robert Plant outside of an Ice Cream shop.”
 
Q3. What must you try to avoid saying/doing on a speed date?

Remember you don’t know this person so avoid saying anything that could be taken as offensive or intrusive such as making off-color jokes or sweeping statements about certain political, religious or economic groups.   In addition, I would refrain from going on with negative stories about your past heartaches or your mother’s stint in rehab.  Also, avoid mentioning how many children you want, why you want to get married or asking how much money someone makes.
 
 
Q4. What kind of questions go down well?

Show an interest in getting to know your date without interrogating them.  Ask them where they have travelled and what their favorite place was to visit?  Ask them what they enjoy doing in their free time and what their favorite piece of literature is.  You can ask what someone does for a living by asking, “What is your professional focus and do you enjoy it?”  This is particularly helpful for women who are interested in knowing but worried about coming off as a gold-digger.
 
 
 
Q5. Are there any accepted or designated male/female roles on a speed date, i.e. the man should ask the initial question?

Gender specific roles are not something to worry about when you have three minutes to make an impression.  Smile, say hello and if your partner hasn’t said something, simply introduce yourself and open with a compliment such as, “I love your tie, did you just come from work?”
 
 
Q6. What advantages do you think speed dating has over say, online dating?

I am a firm believer that speed-dating (which is not really dating but more of an introduction to everyone at the event) and online profiles are low grade substitutes for old fashioned dating and mating.  Both should be used as supplements and never as replacements.
 
 Q7. Do you think most people going along really take speed dating seriously as a way to find love?

 I think it is fine to have fun and meet new people in new ways but speed dating is the cliffs notes of dating  in my opinion.  If you use it as an introduction to a real date, that’s fine but if you are going to one speed date event after another and avoiding going out on your own, there might be an adverse effect on your dating life.  There are many lovely men and women who go on speed dates and many who do not so it is important to put yourself in situations where you can meet both crowds.

WHAT’S YOUR “TYPE” AND HOW IS IT HOLDING YOU BACK?

Whether they are lusting after Antonio Bandaras, Daniel Craig, George Clooney or Russell Crowe, many women have a specific type of man who takes their engine from 0-60 in 60 seconds flat.  While it’s not uncommon to have a certain set of features that make you more attracted than others, the truth is, the woman who can appreciate the unique sex-appeal, charm, intelligence and specific types of masculinity in all of the men listed are going to have a heck of a lot more fun in the dating world. 

If you will only date men who are over 6 ft tall with blue eyes, dark hair and an English accent and you’re living in Omaha, it doesn’t take a genius to explain why you’re spending a good portion of your weekends alone or with friends. 

You might not be attracted to some men and that’s fine but too many women have a set list of criteria men in their lives have to meet that keep them from really enjoying their time as a single woman.  The more you go out and date, get to know new people and try new things, the more you will learn about yourself, others and find new traits to add to your list.  Instead of limiting yourself, allow yourself to say “yes” to the cute blond banker with the nice smile as well as the sultry guitar player.  Fill up your dance card and take dances around the dance floor with different types and you just might find you find love in a corner of the room you always ignored.

You may love burgers but truffle mac and cheese is delicious, too.

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Office Love: When You’ve Got The Hot’s For The Cutie in the Next Cube

Is there a relationship policy forbidding you to strike up relations in the work environment but you don’t think you can stop yourself. And of course not ignoring the stereotypical office affair where colleagues end up seducing or being seduced by a married partner. Relationship expert Brenda Della Casa is on hand.

We’ve been told it’s a no-no and some companies forbid it to the point of placing it in the employee handbook but let’s face it, work is a breeding ground for flirtation and sexual tension.
Most men and women spend a great deal of time in their offices, most of their days, actually and relationships will be formed. Add business trips, corporate events, personal projections and alcohol to the mix and you’ve got yourself a heated little fishbowl.
It’s human nature to find another person appealing and no set of rules can snuff sexual attraction. If you find yourself in a situation where you can’t say no to the hottie down the hall, it’s best to keep things mum until you are sure the relationship is something worth putting your reputation and possibly your job on the line for.

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FLIRTING 101

Standing at the bar waiting for Mr. Fabulous to approach you is so old-school (and how has it been working for you?)

The next time you are out take matters into your own hands by scouting the locale and letting the guy you are interested in know it’s ok to approach you by flashing a smile or complimenting him on his as you pass him to use the ladies room. He’ll appreciate the feel-great gesture, your confidence and the fact that you’ve taken off the pressure of approaching you. There’s no guarantee it will work every time (he might be dating someone or not interested for a slew of other reasons that have nothing to do with you) but it will boost your flirting power, sex appeal and work better than waiting for your prince to crawl up your balcony and get you!

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THREE QUESTIONS NEVER TO ASK ON A FIRST DATE

“What Kind of Car Do You Drive?”

You know that icky feeling you get when a really cute guy shows his player card? Suddenly, his gorgeous brown eyes lose their glimmer and you can’t excuse yourself from the conversation fast enough. That is how our male counterparts feel when they get the feeling you’re snooping in their bank account. Tread lightly around questions that relate to how much he makes because once his - Alarm sounds off, it’s over.

“Where Do You See Yourself in 10 Years?”

Of course you want to know what his future looks like to him, how he feels about his mother and whether or not he plans to be at home to eat with the family at dinnertime but bringing this up over your first meal together screams “desperate to marry” which is about as attractive as garlic breath. You just met him, relax lady!

“Can You Buy My Friend a Drink?”

 OK, so the chances that your friend is on a date with the two of you are slim (and if she is, you have bigger issues to deal with than getting him to call you again) but say you are out at a bar, chatting up a nice guy and your gal pal walks over. She might need a drink and he might have an open tab but asking a man to buy anyone a drink (including you) is not only tacky, it’s rude and sends the impression you see him as an ATM.

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DATING  AND MATING TIPS

You met a great guy, excitedly exchanged numbers and now he’s called to ask you out! Congrats!  Here you will find the tips as you need to ensure he has every reason to dial your digits and ask you out again.  How do I know they’ll work?  Nearly 1,o00 men told me they would.

Tip One: Always Offer To Pay For Yourself

 While most of the men I interviewed claimed they would never accept a lady’s offer to pay for her portion of the meal on the first date, the lady who just assumes it’s all on him and doesn’t reach for her wallet  is seen as ungracious and a potential gold-digger.  If your offer is declined, ask if you might treat him to a cocktail after dinner or coffee the following week.

Tip Two: Turn Off Your Cell Phone

We live in a world where constant technilogical connection is expected, much to the chagrin of good one-on-one conversation (which is an essential ingredient of a good date!)  Turn off your cell phone and blackberry and give your suitor your full and complete attention throughout the date and expect the same from him.  A couple of hours without texting or emailing shouldn’t be that hard if you’re having fun with who you are with.

Tip Three: A Drunk Lady Does Not An Attractive Date Make

There’s nothing wrong with relaxing over a glass of wine or cocktail but drinking your new man under the table is a recipe for disaster.  Not only will you look out-of-control and messy but you’ll likely say and do things that will leave you feeling a little more than red-faced the next day.  You are responsible for every single thing you say and do on a date and in life and being drunk doesn’t release you from this responsibility.  Sip responsibly and have a soda with lime here and there to keep from saying-and doing-too much.

Tip Four: Keep The Temperature Comfortable

Too much heat will have him ready for bed but not much more and no one can be fully relaxed in an uptight chilly breeze.  Keep things warm by being friendly and flirty but tame your desire to unleash your inner Samantha Jones and tell your goody-goody to go home.

Tip Five: Do. Not. Sleep. With. Him. On. The. First. Date.

Ladies, I know we live in a Post-Sex and The City dating world but newsflash; that was a television show.  The number one dating deal-breaker for the men I interviewed was hopping into the sack too soon.  Yes, they want it.  Yes, it’s a total double-standard.  Yes, you shouldn’t be judged for something you both did but it’s a flat-out reality that most men lose interest after the final “Yes, Yes, Yes!” has been uttered.  Sex too soon is like  fast-forwarding to the end of the movie and then wondering why no reputable newspaper will run your review.  Keep those knickers on tight until you know he’s worthy of your naked affection.